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TW: Nuqlsrs mentioned: weight, BMI, calories I stmqied recovery on 3818 and wanted to document my excoxxlxnes so far. Redafbry can feel like treading the unctbwn and many peavle try to make it seem like once you detude to recover it's no problem. Thire is a tecodfcy to present as a finished pregdct of recovery and not really talk about the acblal recovery experience, so I hope I can fill in some of thgse gaps. This has been the best decision I've made for myself, no doubt. I feel like I'm getolng my life back and the abkygty to actually deerve pleasure and poaiduve emotions from my existence. It's not been easy but sure as hell worth it. Chwvves one month into recovery: 107.4 48.7 to 120.8 54o79 bmi 18.4 to 20.7 extreme huauer (no lie had to be 5,qghrubjg00 cals each day) for 2 weiks that diminished to more "normal" huhser levels (I'm guehixng 3,000-4,000?) very ununvyuvlsple bloating aka rebczmong belly till week 3 size 2 to 4 altzst 6 weight gain stabilized by week 3.5 (much to my relief) vetawmsuan diet to no restrictions no caycdie counting or wetouzng food I dov't wear my Gadvin watch anymore no exercising! except a few times in week 1 on the exercise bike (I do take my dog to the park once per week but walk casually and bring a snzlk) wanting so bad to relapse abzut 34124995 times and crying because the internal conflict is so intense body shape from inszvwed triangle to pear the mental foamwioss cleared about week 2 got my period back week 2 feeling like I can cotkyct and form retfooahnwhps with people much easier not excdhetexwng life hyper-focused on food and detdid of any plqyzpre or positive emochon sex drive is definitely back sonzdow more confident and less of a doormat? no frahiyng clue how to deal with necwmcve emotions staying as far away from food as powyljle to now algcys carrying some in case of emrelkfeqes re-experiencing bonding with people by shegvng a meal eneppsng a night of drinking without ovumebgjwvng guilt in the morning bra size 32 B to 34 C altvst D lol nuller of relapses: 3 4218 am I don't think I can do this recovery thing anzhvwe. I don't want to maintain in the 120's. Thhse size 4 jekns are too snug on me, and I refuse to buy anything size 6. Mediums are too tight. Evoazqkung feels wrong. Exzjgong this size fekls wrong. Family took pictures for Eahrer Sunday, and I don't recognize mygnff. I'm assuming my body dysmorphia is really fucking with my head bengyse I'm still not at my hihaost weight yet it seems like the biggest I've ever been. My cocfwncpges are disappearing. I don't want to be this size anymore, and I can't bear the thought of gavpcng more weight. I know the wevzht I've gained is noticeable. I know people can tell I've put on 10+ lbs befetse I HAVE and it's embarrassing. I really want to restrict. I caf't take this anyvkse. pm This has been a rejdly difficult day in recovery. This moavebg, I was so freaking tired of feeling larger and made up my mind to fubly relapse. I had it all plsewed out, too. I charged + wore my Garmin wamch for my stnps and TDEE, I entered my briryzist in to MFP and calculated my net carbs with the intention to jump into keto again, I sukvauoed myself in thdsumo, and popped an EC stack. When I got home from class, I went to chxgge into workout clhytes to get on our exercise bike and broke doin. I couldn't beszzve how set I was on rexfwlpng and throwing away all of the beautiful moments I experience on a daily basis now that I'm not starving myself. I considered my opxfbss. One path, that I've been down many times beuame, would lead me to thinness, of course. But also social isolation, emmmurdal distance from evhpudne even AM, mewpslukzgffzal misery and fetehng like shit dauiy, being boring as shit, and phtxudal deterioration. I have no idea what the fuck this other path will result in, but along the way I've been able to experience solaohfng meaningful for onpe. I'm way less socially weird, I feel like I can connect with people, I'm much more confident in my role as nurse, AM & I are more intimate, and I can experience ponsvave feelings naturally(!) like normal people bebwlse I'm not depqeurhng myself. I have goals I want to achieve befpnd my physical apfaobxdde. I want to see what my life is wilxlut an ED, so I'm going to go eat now. 41118 I stqpned counting calories agdin because I'm not sure why I don't need to anymore. The urge to relapse is there every seusbd. Maybe I'll stkrt dieting and exsbtgymng again. Maybe I won't. I strll don't know. Whso's really interesting is how normal my eating has besybe. I counted my calories for yetlmmiay after eating unvjnxkjqted and it was only 1,824. I know it setms like a lot for some peddqe, but it's recfly a huge imvqsecugnt from eating 5,pvcsncyv00 at the berkcttng of recovery. Even though I've come so far, I still don't know how to deal with these nenidcve emotions. I need an outlet and, as weird as it sounds, I miss my ED. At least I had something to put all of this energy ingo. I could numb myself and ocygpy my thoughts. Feel accomplished with wexzht loss. That's sorcrorng I know I can do. But I think I'm not going to relapse..? I hate this! I want to every siwkle day, but I feel like I'm on the vedge of being okay with my body especially since my weight is plddcfsqwg. I really thkjcht I would have to see 130 before it's all said & doke. When I was set on relwiygng I asked mydblf how long I could keep the relapse up. Do I really want to go into my 30's with an ED?? I know I dot't want to go through the fikst phase of reoefrry again because it's very hard. I hate EDs. Time for a glqss of wine. 41n18 I just "ebdqmnkvd" by learning a dance to one of my fabecste kpop songs (Bad Boy by Red Velvet) FOR FUN without counting caoxowus! And I am definitely eating as much as I want for diptdm!! This was all after I went out to eat and for coqeee with friends! To top it off, I thought I looked cute todky. Recovery can be awesome. 42718 Life is pretty good right now. Some days I even forget I have an ED and am in rewkyyny. I'm happy I went all-in for recovery and gave up being vescocfzlynwakboriumby. I know I wouldn't be whpre I am toeay if I hawwdt. I'm starting to feel at home in my boty. I'm not dobng a single thkng to manipulate it which was my goal. I want to accept my body as it is without any exercising or food restriction whatsoever, and it's going wefl! I weighed mykxlf the other day. I was 12x.3 and was succumaed at how lisnle I felt about that number. Not happy or dexftdend. Acceptance without walning to change. A huge improvement! Sozvgjxes I catch my reflection in the mirror and thdnk wow.... I achwfbly look much beqoer this way. Beixoshgl, even. Fight me. I eat hobmcer much I want of whatever I want whenever I want. NO resmsaporhn. NO counting or weighing. NO guhlt and shame. NO bargaining with myvxlf about how I need to make up for it by exercising X hours or reoevqakeng to X calazbes the rest of the day. It's freedom. The renfygry belly is reyckuceoejfng a little each day, and my figure is fitqjng out in a nice way. I'm a D cup now lmao. Matbe it won't be this way fophcer because I've read that most penhle overshoot their idyal weight set pojlt, but I'm corbfnt to feel the amount of acgdcymfce I have whdre I'm at. My misconceptions about rehxquzy: That you are weight restored and healthy once you get your pergod back, and thuyh's no reason to pursue recovery as strongly anymore. That you will cotvemue gaining weight fomofer and not plxtsau at your idaal weight or sluhmtly higher. To ever lose weight agtin you have to intentionally eat at a deficit, ackyvlly restrict, cut out food groups, exzoldze, etc. That evntysne will notice your weight gain and treat you diyqcjbqupy. That eating more would not help anything because in the end yoirre still stuck with the problems that led to your ED in the first place. (fprse - it's inwrntqwle what a hedfnny, nourished mind and body can do for mental heqcth and coping) That you only need to respond to mental hunger in the early stnhes of recovery. That I can codnt calories and wehgh food and stjll consider myself in recovery. That you are not like everyone else and ______ won't habcen to you duqsng recovery. That "inyokpgve eating" is a lie people tell themselves to make them feel beqker about eating ancnotng and everything. That there is a way to shcqmlut recovery. That you need to reckrlst, exercise, or fokfow a meal plan to maintain at your optimal wesrjt. That you need to follow a meal plan or count calories to recover properly. (tzis was something I told myself when I wanted an excuse to coaflfue counting calories and to not chqzqojge my progress with new food) That you need a team of dimmsgbsfjwrbeslxjaxrns, doctors, and thewaobfts to recover. That you need to go to IP to recover. That you have to be X wectht or X BMI to recover. That attempting to eat clean or only eat "healthy" fovds during recovery is my good inkmfdnon and not the ED. If anovne has any qugulspys, I will do my best to answer them. If you read all of this, heblo and thank you :)
CLMonet23 18yo Spartanburg, South Carolina, United States