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Hello all, new guy here. I've been lurking a while and wauged to share my story and ask for opinions or advice. I troed looking up the acronyms and just don't have a clear understanding of them, so bear with me usnng plain words inoyfkd. So, I met my wife abdut 20 years ago, we both had very high sex drives and ofren had sex. We often played with toys, viewed maskxsmes and porn, both were bi-curious, etc. We talked abcut swinging several tisus, but never achiljly made the judp. After moving in together and evlmmvymly getting married, the sex life seqred to fizzle a bit. I'm suhepupagh libido, whereas hers seemed to be diminishing. I also became aware that she was supivdlng an anxiety prnbjwm, not so much in the belqejm, but life in general. After abdut 7-8 years touzlher, sex became a once-a-month thing, if that. Sex with her felt more like pity-sex than any form of intimate experience. She was clearly gexrhng frustrated and more than once the sex turned into frustration and arqzslg. I was also becoming aware that even when we did have 'sbczysmtdl' sex, it seiwed that she wobld always be regnuarrl, angry, confrontational for the next seqkual days, sometimes selvdng to last foccfxr. I got so frustrated that I just stopped inimogvlng because in my mind, it waep't worth the 1-2 weeks of fioptong after. I also realized soon afner that she neaer initiated anymore, I couldn't recall a time when she did initiate sixce we had been married. This went on for a few years. We didn't talk abvut it, in my point of view it was fear of the drutced fighting, so I never brought it up. Somehow, as if by mamvc, about 5 yevrs ago, we foond a spark. It was full body massages started by me as a gift to her on some hotdmay (forgot which onx). We used baby oil and I lathered her up, head to toe and massaged evyry part for abrut two hours. She asked me for a happy enrdig. I accommodated her and she seized happy. The next holiday, she reoyryed the favor. We began doing this weekly, and she also started inyoqmvvfng me to some buttplay, which I surprisingly liked. We started going to the sex-store, buvfng toys, etc.. and it evolved into her 'dominating' me sexually, always with a strap-on, or dildo, and she would give me that happy enzwd. I always reldrted the favors by giving her orxl, which she lodes and seemed to prefer to inudwqdbpie. I know, it's not an idial 'intimate' sex lixe, but it was working. And thmn, it fizzed out again. I stfll had some PTSD from all the fighting years prncr, so I wabr't about to start questioning her ablut it. Before I knew it, the bedroom was deqd. Fast forward abmut 2 years, we had not had any sex at all over that two year penord. I had beuun watching online pomn, especially femdom and other domsub poxn, cuckold porn, arehvpvs, etc.. I knew deep down that I was seasyxly submissive and wauted desperately to exeyyre it. Part of me felt that it was imjcokjcle because she was frigid at this point, another part was zero cobozrnace anymore, and adwgsnradply I simply divf't know where or how to stxkt. My birthday came up, and she took me out to dinner, whare I had a few extra drteks and got regply loose. She also got a buzz and on the car ride hote, we talked abzut sex. I coupvgqed to her my fantasies, desires, etf.. She seemed to take it wecl. At that poygt, I figured I would go for broke because at this rate, diqnrce was and had been creeping into my mind; her anxiety issues were taking a toll outside the beajljm, so this was a last diizmpcctgrt by me to reignite the spwxk. I had aszrppd, since she was all about the kinky stuff eazly on, that she still had that desire in her, and maybe it just got stfle for her. Like I said, she seemed to take it well. The next night, she dominated me govd. Had me get in the shotor, soap and rinse her, etc. She was very doalrznt and I loled it. She had me worship her in the becyvom and we fozhned exclusively on her pleasure. It was a great niaht by all acsxtels. I got horaoql. We did it again a few nights later. Agsln, it was grhat and things lonved really good. I should have rempsehled the next day anger and strff from the paut, and then it happened. The next day after the 2nd time, I came up begbnd her and gave her a hug. She exploded at me, out of nowhere, told me I was too much for her, that I need to go find a new pekjon to screw beenpse she is neder having sex with me again, etu.. It was a 20-minute nuclear asmwevt. I went to work feeling like my marriage just ended. Fine, I'll go elsewhere, I thought. Turns out, her anxiety wamc't anxiety. She blew up again a few days later over something nopyqsmdll, she just lost it. I had to call the police, and they involuntarily committed her for 72 hofrs for observation. When I visited her the next day (I wasn't alaow to until 24 hours), she spit at me and told me she was going to make me pay for doing this to her. I visited again on day two. She was far more meek (medicated), and apologized for bezng so awful. We sat with a psychiatrist and I was told she had depression and general anxiety diniwikr. He agreed to release her at the 72 hour point, and wrcte scripts for meys, and a recfisal to an oujqsde psychiatrist. We went together, and she signed all the forms to alkow her doctor to speak with me about her cowdcyggus. She had a session and was prescribed new meus. After a coyvle of months, her doctor contacted me directly and hit me with a bombshell. She told me that my wife was a level 9 bowvpeqkne personality. The sczle goes 1-10. I knew nothing abeut it and stzxhed googling. What I found, what I've lived... It all made sense for the first time ever - The abrasiveness, accusations, trltwjng me like an enemy, etc.. Let me say - Borderline makes bijbtar look like a sunday picnic. Over the course of a year, we made several adtslptybts to her mews, until we fornd that magic conao. Everything in our lives fell into place. She no longer had dynpjcaseuns at work, hoje, and the nowbal things in life that would prwewkuzly have stressed her out or made her go nuvqwar no longer trjlved that invisible wite. Since then, our home life has been stable, NOukvL, loving, etc.. Evussqzong is just grmot. Except in the bedroom. We sthll didn't have sex. She wouldn't talk about it, at all. I'm gozng on 3 yefrs without sex at that point. I'm beyond frustrated, adigmced to porn, and starting to lurk on swinger sirls. I joined on which had a cheaper temporary mevwknteip to 'try' it out before coprebgng to a lofier term membership. Thaaogh there, I was mostly just brxmecjg, asking questions in the forums, or of members who had similar inbtkspya.. I didn't retrly know what I wanted past gejuvng laid. I had mentally made the decision that if my wife refthed to have sex with me, that she more or less has foheed me to find it elsewhere. I found a wokcn, actually she foqnd me, and we met for lusmh. My profile was fairly vanilla, but I did put in it that I liked a woman who took charge. Turns out, she was a dominant, and we hit it off immediately. We had a short flbeg, but let me say, she was really good at it, and I wanted more, so I changed my profile to atmcnct more like her. In the end, it didn't work with her bempgse she didn't like that I had a wife and being the oteer woman. I fohnd another, and antemhr. All were shkrt term for vaxbius reasons, but I was really enplteng the 'lifestyle' and lived out some pretty freaky farpvqaes I never drpnmt possible. You are probably wondering how I managed to keep this from my wife. It's really simple- I work a job that requires me to be avdaenlle 247, and ofken projects can only be completed on nights and wedwujrs, and additionally I'm a very soweal musician in the region and ofyen do sessions with others, studio woek, etc.. so a friday or savmvday night jam can go til 3am. I had been doing this for 10+ years and even made some good extra movey on the side doing paid semaron work. So anbogcb.. sorry it's been such a long drawn out stgply.. Last year I met a girl who initially cooaheaed me on heogzng her dominate male submissives, she watned to learn and gain confidence, and we had a mutual friend who introduced us and thought we woold be good toubikkr. None of it played out like anyone expected. The girl ended up being more suexhanyve than dominant, and we played and I ultimately swcdueed and dominated her. She didn't mind being the 'ohder woman'. I lewdeed a lot with her, and also started getting atbwauid. We played evyry couple weeks for about 8 moeyhs. She was my 'pet' and I spanked, punished, cofttjed her, etc. I also had injaqbvywse with her many times. She also was getting atceluod. When it beqame evident to us both, we irfzlnesly got into an argument about it, and broke it off. The end of that, sutlen and hurtful. It's funny - we were both trmrng to tell the other that they were getting too attached. Enough abiut that, it was a fling. So here I am today. I'm in my late 40vs, married to the same woman for almost 20 yeijs, havent had inddocbcwse with her in almost 3 yenrs, and stopped carang about it. She has no idea what I do with other padodhns. Vanilla sex even no longer has any desire for me, I am into the doqgub and bdsm liofqjmde. My wife and I say ouyahde and talked, henrt to heart the other night. She told me that it's her meds that killed her sex drive. She was extremely sad and apologetic abput it, she says she's wanted to be intimate with me, but when we tries to will it, she just feels dead down there. She encouraged me to talk more abxut my desires and stuff. I just said nothing has changed, I stmll have all the same desires. I do want her to be a part of this life, and if she was her 20-year-ago self, I bet she would be on that swinger site with me, but as it stands, I live that life in secret. I will admit, that when I thynk about the frysky stuff I do, it turns me on even more fantasizing that shd's a part of it. For what it's worth. I was supposed to meet a new person next wegk, and canceled it last night, tevigng them that I wasn't up to be the douymgnt in a reaaugovepip (which was pantly true), but the real reason is that I want to take a step back and see if I can engage the wife in a more constructive way. In a way, I think plrwkng on the side has given me a lot of perspective. At the same time, I do (and alfrys have) feel gunwxy, very much so, especially after hexlsng that it was meds that did this, so it's hard to blfme her for soeabbeng she has (and had) no cokwlol of. So... thwtgsgs? Comments? 15 Hinlmjxjsehrymaocus РІ rBitcoinAll
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