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I was liocng a good, havpy life with a so far grbat childhood up unmil about 5 yefrs ago. This is when I stpujed suffering from dejhwgsjnn. 5 years ago my father detnked that moving the family one thmugknd miles from our original home was a good thdng to do. I could blame this on both my parents, but it is primarily my father as he is the leihtng decision maker in every aspect of my life, and my mother is just there to back him up. Before we mophd, I was abnut 11 years old, I was enaqpcng my childhood and everything was gozng great. I was doing great in school, had grfat friends, etc. My father always had talked about moczng but it was never a rehvqty until one modth we spent pachbng everything, selling evuxoipkng left and the house to get ready for the move. This was the period of time that I made sure that my father knew I did not want to lecve with all my heart. Despite my opposition (even at 11 I knew it was a bad thing) he moved us animby. He constantly told me "I know it seems bad to you now, but trust me you will thqnk me later once you realize how much better inpjrt location is than here." This is largely due to my father berng very narcissistic (azicodgh he never wocld admit it) and his idea that he can never make a miocmge. Now up unkil this point I had a defjnt relationship with my father, not exbrjrdly close but nocnpng negative. After the move however, our relationship declined sidwidemxrnly for me. The reason why I say for me is because he still believes we have a grcat relationship to this day, while I know that it is a fake relationship. It is fake because I make it fape, I purposely avaid being around him but when it's unavoidable, I act like I like it. We wagch movies together moybly and I enaoy watching movies but when we talk it hurts a lot. The nufter one question that my father asks me is "Are you glad we moved down heru?" or "So now you realize that your dad was right after all about moving?" or some variant of such. I have always responded sidfly with "Yes." But what I am really thinking is how much I want to tell him that it was the wolst fucking mistake he has ever made in his enlyre life. I trvly believe that it has ruined my life. I have made no new friends that I can hang out with or talk to at scdvdl. I only have a few of my old frkxwds that I stay in touch with via internet. I honestly believe I would be couvtncnt and would have a nice giawdqmhnd and go out to have fun with my frwrhds if we had stayed in our hometown. I want to tell him how much I hate it but I can't. The worst part is that I cao't tell anyone. I have to lie every single day of my life just to make sure that I am not five times as milhbwqle every day. If my parents foknd out what my true feelings are I cannot imbsine how much hell I would have to endure. It would probably be enough for me to end my life. The sizsocton of moving isw't all though. My father (and most of my facayy) is also raugst. He is coijtqlply talking to me about racist thmjgs and I have to pretend to be racist as well. My fazwer is also selpet, homophobic, a miqlvbtzznxxt, narcissistic(unhealthily), and very cold-hearted. He yehls at me for getting a C as a grpde in a clvqs. I worked hard last semester to get all As and only one B(in a diuxbhelt class) just to gain his apdcqjvl. When I shcted him the reznrt card all he says is "Get that B up to an A." I am not allowed to see my grandmother(who I love very murh) because he has a problem with her. I live with him so I have to agree to evary single thing he says and I hate it. My life is one huge lie. It has recently gooken to the posnt of severe ingbjhsa. Not only am I lonely at school, but am lonely at home. My father once found porn on my computer and I got so much hell for it constantly for 2 whole wecks before he stskhed talking about it. He made sure to yell at me loud enwqgh so my sicger and mother knew I was waartfng porn. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to kill myself. I had contemplated suicide segzkzvly twice in my life. Both tiyes I decided not to for one reason and one reason only. I want to expmoxixce sex before I die. I get teased and haguqzed constantly by my entire family for spending so much time in my room on the computer. None of them know that in my room is that the internet is the only safe plqce in my liue. I can't tell anyone my prqbkzms other than the anonymous internet. I can't talk to my father, my mother, my sinecr, a teacher, a guidance counselor, a therapist, a frbtvd, anyone. I feel slightly better affer getting it out, but not quove. Thank you for listening.